About Last Night ... Diaries of an Insomniac

11:00 AM – I snuggled up comfortably in my cocoon of blankets, drifting off for the much needed sleep that had eluded me most of the week. I was warm, safe and quickly fell into slumber.

1:04 AM – I awoke thinking I was too comfortable for my own good. Oh. I realized why I was so comfortable. I fell asleep without my CPAP. How nice it was for the two hours I slept without it, but knowing that’s probably why I woke up, grabbed the mask, begrudgingly placed it on my face and fell right back to sleep.

3:11 AM – I was awakened by a thunderous crash behind me. My eyes popped wide open, but the rest of me remained still. There was someone behind me. As the haze of sleep is lifted and adrenaline kicked in, I scanned the darkness for shadows moving across the wall. I saw nothing, partly because I’m blind without my glasses, but mostly because the person behind me was waiting to strike. So this is it. This is how I’m going to die. I couldn’t even try to bolt as I was tethered to that God forsaken CPAP. I knew that thing would be the death of me

.

I wondered who it was. Freddy Kruger? Jason Voorhees? Michael Myers? Pin Head? Or any number of 70’s and 80’s movie monsters my mind could conjure. If it was Freddy, then I was still sleeping and would die in my dreams. Not a bad way to go I suppose. If Michael, I knew there was sibling out there my parents never told me about holding a grudge for some unexplained reason. If Jason, I can’t imagine why. I only went to summer camp once. And Crystal Melton put my luggage on the wrong bus, so honestly, who was really the wronged party in that situation? And if Pin Head, well I’m not sure what that deal is. It’s 3:15 in the morning and I don’t even remember that movie plot.

I decided to turn and face my fate. I rolled over and saw … the cat? Mojo was standing on the nightstand, stalking what could only be described as some heinous beast. Relieved that I wasn’t being confronted by an axe murderer, I took the stupid CPAP off and turned on the light to investigate the situation further. The crash was a metal tissue dispenser that Mojo knocked off the nightstand. It sat still in front of the nightstand, blocking in the hideous monster that Mojo had cornered.

Mojo jumped off the nightstand and hunted his prey as all good kitty hunters should. Whatever it was, it was large and moved fast and was under the nightstand. I could hear it moving around.  A mouse? In the house? Or a snake perhaps, coiled and ready to strike. Mojo couldn’t get to it. He was licking his chops ready to bear down on whatever this fiendish creature was. He looked at me only for a moment to convey his plan. I was to lift up the tissue box and he would smoke out our foe whereupon, I would strike. He was bestowing a great deal of responsibility on me. I nodded my consent to his plan, grabbed my weapon of convenience, otherwise known as my tennis shoe, and lifted the box.

I had the box in one hand, the shoe in the other and I waited for Mojo to make his move. He swatted under the nightstand and before I could drop the box the villainous being lunged at me. Dear God, this monster had wings and flew towards my head! I swung the shoe and connected …

My hand with the cedar chest. I think I broke it. As the blinding pain ripped through my hand, the what can only be described as a bat, fluttered off to safety elsewhere in room, mocking me and my pain. And where pray tell was the cat? Still looking under the nightstand.

3:23 AM – The tears in my eyes were subsiding, but I had a bigger problem. Having no luck convincing my partner that our enemy was no longer under the nightstand, I realized I was on my own. I scanned the room quickly trying to find the night bat. Ah ha! Over by the closet on the floor was where I found my nemesis. Only, it wasn’t the bat I thought it was. I seems that my opponent had the ability to transform itself into a … candle moth? A little candle moth? That’s what started this? I told myself that I was going to have a serious discussion with Mojo later on about the importance of not waking me up to attack a partially wounded candle moth. I took pity on the poor thing as it fluttered around in circles like a drunk squirrel high on a fermented pumpkin. I took pity on it that is until it attacked me again. This time the shoe met its intended victim. I tried to convince the cat that the situation was resolved, but he was still looking under the nightstand. I had to pick him up … Ouch! Not with the broken hand … and put him down in front of the dead moth to show him the deed was done. Mojo sniffed the moth and then reached out and smacked it with his paw. Way to kick a moth when he’s down. So not cool.

 

I reached for the tissue box that of course was empty. Cursing myself for the decision to “fill it back up in the morning” and not having the foresight to predict this nightmare, I went to the bathroom to retrieve a tissue so that the poor moth could have a proper burial, which did not include that cat scratching the carpet next to it.

When I reentered the bedroom, king of all he surveyed, Mojo sat triumphantly on the head board of the bed reveling in his perceived victory. As if. I picked up the moth, respectfully disposed of it and turned out the light.

3:35 AM – I hunkered backed down under my covers, the cat still sitting overhead, watching for the next moth I suppose, when it hit me. Migraine. Thinking I could fall asleep before any real pain hit, besides the pain in hand that is, I laid there for a few moments.

I quickly realized that the migraine was going to win out. I took the CPAP off, again, and got up to take some migraine medicine. I wandered into the kitchen to get some water to take the pills with. The migraine compromised my vision. As I opened the refrigerator to get some water the light made the pain that much worse and coupled with the lack of vision, I leaned too far forward and face planted right into fridge.

I was a little more than pissed off, by the time I stood back up. I grabbed a bottle of water, took the stupid pills and placed the cap back on top of the bottle which of course I then used as a cold compress for my face. As I walked back to my room, I didn’t envy the fat lip I was sure to have come morning … oh wait … it was morning.

4:00 AM to be precise. I entered the bedroom once again. And where pray tell was the cat? Asleep right smack dab on top of the covers and in the middle of the bed. I got in and he had the unmitigated gall to raise his head as if to say, “You woke me up.”

4:01 AM – I put the CPAP mask back on, but I drank water. You do the math. I took the CPAP mask off, again. I went to the restroom and decided that the Sandman was not going to visit me this night and once again this week I have been thwarted by the fates of insomnia.

Significant Times and People

Today is World Cancer Day, which is an effort to raise awareness and debunk certain myths about this disease that affects so many people worldwide. For more information about World Cancer Day 2014 go to www.worldcancerday.org

Because it is World Cancer Day, I thought today would be a good day to post this next blog. Beyond World Cancer Day though, this year marks a significant year for me. It was five years ago that I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. As a result in October, if all goes well, I'll make it to five years in remission. That being said, if you read last month's blog you'll notice I was looking back on how some special people have influenced my life. After I posted that, it occurred to me that I have so many people in my life that have helped, supported, loved and encouraged me over my journey so I have decided that this year most of my blogs will be to tell you about some of the many people that mean so much to me.

I am not ranking these individuals as to importance and I probably won't be able to mention all who mean so much to me. So if by the end of the year I haven't dedicated a blog to you and you feel slighted, don't. It just means I either haven't gotten to you yet or, more likely, some things are personal and aren't meant to be shared with the world.

So without further adieu, I will tell you another story of my journey and about a very special person.

In 2004 I had the absolute privilege of meeting Andrea Shumaker. She lived and worked in Dallas at the time, but was sent to Louisville to be trained, in part, by me. When she first started, I was a bit hesitant. There is always a period of adjustment when someone new joins your team – especially when they are in a different city. We only had about a week to train, but from the moment I met her in person, I recognized a kindred spirit.

Andrea was our procurement specialist and I had always been a backfill for that position since 2001 even though my primary responsibilities at the time were asset management. I was familiar enough with the job to be able to train her on some of the aspects and nuances.

When she went back to Dallas, it seemed like we talked almost on a daily basis. Most conversations started out with business Q&A's, but somehow we easily fell into a comfortable conversation and talked about much of the same likes and dislikes. A lot of the time we had to get on conference calls with Reba and Wendy or Karolyn, who were our counterparts and co-workers. Once the business was over, almost always, hilarity ensued. Good times.

Andrea made a huge impression on me. I liked working with her. She was easy to get along with, but wasn’t afraid to tell you how it was. She always had my back and we became good friends over the years. (I have lots of friends in which my day to day interactions are never in person or face to face.)

So when Andrea dropped the bomb in 2008 that she was resigning her position and moving to Colorado, I was devastated. Partly because she could always explain the company’s health benefits plan better than anyone, but mostly because I wouldn’t get to talk to her on a daily basis. It was like a mass exodus because two others quit around the same time frame, but Andrea’s departure made one the most significant impacts on me and my life. In a moment you’ll see why.

There are always moments in your life when things are happening and you don’t know they’re happening. Around the time that Andrea left, I was starting to feel run down and tired. I told myself that it was because Karolyn and I were working overtime trying to fill in for Andrea while training some other folks coming in to take over the other aforementioned positions that were vacated.

Keep in mind that Karolyn is in Irvine, CA and her work schedule is off mine by three hours. One of the people we had to train (remotely) was in Dallas, who is an hour off from my Eastern Time Zone and two hours off Karolyn’s Pacific Time Zone. Plus Karolyn and I had our own jobs to tend to. Plus we had Andrea’s job to do. Plus I also had to train someone in my own location. Plus Karolyn and I had to learn less known aspects of Andrea’s job. It was a very hectic time. I will say that we all rocked – trainers and trainees – to come together to get the job done.

It was finally decided that I was being moved into Andrea’s vacated position permanently. Once the dust settled down and I officially took over as procurement specialist, I breathed a sigh of relief, but my shoulder felt as if it had been pulled. I was trying to get over that nagging pain and the fatigue of working so many long and intense hours. I was also gearing up for one of the most fantastic vacations of my life. I was set to go to Australia. I tried to push the tiredness and shoulder pain away and enjoy my vacation – which I did thanks to the fabulous, Carolyn, Marianne, Jane and all their families, who took me in, showed me the sites and pretty much treated me like royalty – but that’s a discussion for another time.

Once I got back, however, the pain in my shoulder increased to the point where I couldn’t get any rest. This of course heightened the fatigue and I was pretty much looking and feeling run down. I didn’t have it seen about. That’s not to say I didn’t go to the doctor, but I was going for other things and was taking medicine that was masking my other symptoms.

I haven’t gotten off the subject of Andrea’s leaving. This all plays a part in the story. Just trying to give you a schedule of where the events fell in the timeline. Bear with me.

  

Since I was feeling crappier and crappier as each day progressed, I was glad that I had been moved into a position that didn’t require physical labor. When I was an asset coordinator, I was constantly moving around laptops, desktops, printers and monitors. Always moving and reorganizing the shelves. It was a complete difference being the procurement specialist where I got sit on my fanny all day and not have to lift heavy objects. A total blessing since my blasted shoulder hurt like the dickens and I wasn’t getting any sleep.

Finally in December, my neck started to swell. I was taking time off for Christmas and family and decided the shoulder and neck needed attention. At the same time, I caught bronchitis. Dang. Now I had to go to the doctor for that as well. Another medicine would be given that masked symptoms, but this time there was no masking any pain or symptoms and I was determined to keep my focus on my Quasimodo appearance, since the pain in my shoulder and swollenness in my neck made me look like the hunchback of Notre Dame.

I took my mom with me to the appointment. I’m not sure what made me do that, since she never went with me to the doctor. She waited patiently in the waiting room while I was being seen. I called the Dr’s attention to my neck and shoulder. I told him that I thought I might have mono. The words he spoke were simple, his tone non-threatening. He gently said, “That’s not mono. I don’t know what it is, but it’s not mono.” The look in his eyes was what got me. That look pretty much started a panic that rose quickly from my gut and stuck in my throat. He sat me down and ordered some blood tests. He tried so hard to calm me, but he could see the fear in my face. He tried to reassure that it could be nothing or a slight infection.

To this day I suspect he knew from the onset, but being a doctor, he couldn’t say until he was absolutely sure.  I could hardly speak, the terror still stuck in my throat. As I left the office and looked at my mom, I was barely able to choke out the words, “Mom. I think I’m really sick.” For the record, this is why God made moms. She didn’t know anything that was going on. She hadn’t been in the examination room. She didn’t hear the conversations and the buzzing of nurses. She didn’t hear the urgency with which the doctor demanded immediate test results. She just hugged me and said, “Whatever is wrong, we’ll get through it.”

In the subsequent weeks that ensued, my world was a flurry of CT Scans and biopsies and surgeons and tests and PET scans and oncologists and port surgeries. I was unsure how to proceed with life, let alone work.

Ah, but there are always moments in your life when things are happening and you don’t know they’re happening.

Here is where Andrea’s departure is significant. Had Andrea not resigned her position and the job been given to me – a job that required no physical labor and a job that could be done remotely from home – I would have needed to take all my vacation and then gone on a leave of absence. The asset management job I was in prior to all this happening was a physical, onsite, you need to be there kind of a job. No exceptions. Andrea’s job, now my job, can be done from home if necessary. This is what I call a God moment. Some of you may not think it so and that’s OK, but for me, this is a true example of God working and in some cases intervening for events to come.

What possessed Andrea to leave and move to Colorado? I know what some of her motivations were, but the rest is a story only she can tell. I do know that Andrea is a Christian and that she has a healthy prayer life. I’m not saying that God appeared to her in a vision and said, “You need to go so Kathy can have your job so she can work from home for eight months while dealing with cancer.” I'm just saying that her decision to leave was not something she took lightly and was a thing in which she prayerfully considered. It was hard for me to see her go, but as hard as it was to see her move on, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Because I moved into that position, I was allowed to continue to work. I credit my supervisors for allowing me to retain the only normalcy I had – my work. They were satisfied that as long as I could keep up my job performance, there was no need to take a leave of absence. Thanks to modern technology, I was able to not only work from home, but also from the hospital as I was receiving my chemo treatments.

God often is working in our lives when we don’t realize it. Sometimes we never have a clue, sometimes we can see it as the situation unfolds and sometimes we can only look back in awe and recognize what we missed when it was going on. I will forever be grateful to the challenges that were presented to me. I have been forever changed – cancer does that. You have to strive for a new normal when all is said and done. That doesn’t mean I’m glad I got cancer, it just means that I’m glad I survived it and it gives me a much stronger starting point if I ever get it again, which is always an ever-present reality – again new normal.

I just had a check up with my survivorship oncologist. All is good and I’ll go into that appointment later. For now, I am just so thankful for my doctors and nurses. I am thankful for God’s strength and love. I am thankful for all the support I have received and continue to receive from family and friends. But I think one of the things I am most thankful for is Andrea Shumaker, her prayer life and her obedience to go where she felt she was being led. You never know the impact of the decisions you make and how others can be affected.

Thanks Andrea. I’m eternally grateful.

Love to you all,
Kat
1 Peter 5:7

New Year's ... Revelation?

It’s a new year and I have no real medical maladies to report. I had a lymph node flare up at the beginning of last week. It was tender and had me worried for a couple of days. I self-diagnosed it (not using any Internet symptom checkers) as Monomumpalosis, a cross between mono and the mumps, but it went down and things are back to normal. And yes, I totally made the word Monomumpalosis up. I do have a check-up with one of my oncologists later this month. I will tell her about my Monomumpalosis episode, but I really think it must have been sinuses. I am proud to say that I’ve lost 37 pounds since July. That’s a plus – even though it’s a minus. 

Since there isn’t any weird junk going on with my body lately, I’ll tell you what I did after church today. Why not?  It’s my blog and I’ll write if I want to.

 

After church this morning, my dad was looking through an old 1978 church directory from when we went to Southside Baptist Church. I was about five or six, depending on the time of year it was published. As I looked through the pages, there were so many people I didn’t recognize or remember. We left Southside and started going to Bethlehem Baptist in 1980, so it wasn’t surprising to me that a lot of the faces and names weren’t clear to me.

Of course some faces were familiar to me. I recognized Bro. Steve, who is at present graciously preaching in the interim at Bethlehem until we are able to call a new pastor. He had a full head of hair back then. Looking back through the old directories of Southside sparked an overwhelming feeling to reminisce through the pages of Bethlehem’s directories.

I think the first one we got in the early 80’s was missing. It’s in a box somewhere no doubt, but because of its absence my look back at Bethlehem began with the 1986 directory. To give to you a time frame that was the start of my freshman year in high school. I looked through almost 30 years of directories. Now obviously there isn’t a directory for every year, but let’s say there’s one for every five years or so and that’s still quite a few pages to thumb through.

I started looking at how certain individuals had changed over the years. I saw many faces that are no longer with us in life and some that are no longer with us for other reasons. I saw kids I grew up with that have either moved on to other churches and/or now have families of their own.

I looked at choir pictures, drama pictures, youth pictures, pictures of how the inside of the buildings have changed. So many changes. Hairstyles, glasses, clothing and in some cases the amount of makeup that is/was worn. Then I started looking at the staff pages. I noticed Janice Curry in every staff page. She is as lovely as ever. I noticed David Headley in every staff page. His smile is just as bright as ever. But what struck me the most was that Bro. David Hughes was in every staff page from 1986 to 2011. 2011 being the last year Bethlehem has published a directory.

As the changes in fashion, decoration and even people hit me, the realization that the next time Bethlehem Baptist Church publishes a church directory, David Hughes and his family will no longer be within its pages. 

Now anyone going to Bethlehem at present and even Bro. Hughes himself might say, “Well duh! He’s been gone for a year now.” And I would have to agree with them as they give me a V8 smack in the head. But here is the revelation brought to the forefront of my mind when I look through these directories:

David was my youth minister from grades 8-12. Although he never knew it, he guided and directed me through much of the teenage turmoil I overcame.

When I moved on to the College and Career class, he too moved on to be the Minister of Education, where he and his wife, Carol, who was my Sunday School teacher, both taught me how to rely on and how to apply God’s Word in my everyday life. They explained the meaning of being a Christian and what commitment and sacrifice meant.

I sat for their kids and spent time in their home.

I planned events with them, ate dinner with them and went on church mission trips with them.

They counseled me, consoled me and consulted with me.

They have protected, defended, prayed for and loved me.

By the time David became our pastor, I had already learned so much from him and Carol. It seems as if every time I grew, their roles in the church changed and were there to help me through the next set of problems with words of wisdom, comfort and acceptance. Perhaps that was God’s way of making sure that I found the right path to continue on my spiritual journey by having these two extraordinary people accompany me. 

David and Carol have been two of the biggest influences of my Christian life. When he announced his retirement at the end on 2012, I smiled, I encouraged and congratulated on the outside, but on the inside my heart broke. I knew that he and Carol had to do what was best for them. The time was right and logically it made sense. Emotionally though, it tore me up. The two rocks I leaned on were leaving. How was I going to get through the next part of my life without their direction?

The thing I realize now is that all the years I spent learning from them, listening to them and being nurtured by them, was also God’s way of preparing me to let go of them and be the friend to them that they have always been to me.

It’s taken me an entire year to be able to look at the situation objectively. While I don’t get to see them as often as I would like, you can be assured that I keep in touch on a regular basis. They still accept me into their home and I still can contemplate life’s problems with them. This isn’t meant to put anyone on a pedestal. That would be unfair, but the fact remains that they are very special to me and always will be. No amount of distance can ever change that.

There are many people in my life who have affected me in profound ways who are just as special to me. Perhaps, I’ll write something about them in future. One thing is certain – God has placed very special people in my life for a reason. Sometimes you don’t understand why until years later and sometimes you figure it out right away, but it is always important to let them know they are loved.

A lot of depth from looking through a church directory. The memories are precious, the people are special, but God has always been at the center of it all.

-Kat

1 Peter 5:7